she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
