i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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