i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
