I don't usually arrange sex via text message
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
