Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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