Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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