my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
