The maid of honor just puked.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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