we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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