So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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