dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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