so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
