the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
