Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
