That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
