We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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