I think I won the penis lottery.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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