Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
