I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
