she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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