Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
