I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.