how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
