You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
