Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm both gender and math confused
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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