I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
