I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish i was in the wii world.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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