you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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