OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Barsexuality is the new black.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
