i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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