Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
