so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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