My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
