Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
