I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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