you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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