WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
