i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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