if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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