I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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