I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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