i can't believe i had my finger in that
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
