I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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