whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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