I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
