He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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