M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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