Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
