Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
