he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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