I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Send help, water and tortillas.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
