i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
