I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
