I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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